10 Things You Should Never Do When Faced by a Dark Wizard

by Aaron Hanlon, Mar 31, 2008


I have been fighting Dark Wizards since I was old enough to suck on the handle of a battle axe, and over the years I have learned a thing or two about dealing with those pointed hatted fellows.
I have been turned blue, green and on one occasion poker dot pink. I have been cursed with Dragon tail, Dragon scale and Dragon breath (not good when you're trying to get a roll in the hay with a village wench). But now in my knobbly years I have decided to let all you young warriors out there in on a few of the secrets of surviving a life against the hat.
When faced with a Dark Wizard:
Never say to a Dark Wizard, “Is that a wand in you pocket or are you just happy to see me.”
Dark Wizards are notoriously lacking in any sense of humour and will, in all likely hood, show you exactly where they can stick that wand.
Never look up a Dark Wizard's dress.
Trust me, there's nothing up there you want to see.
Never snatch the hat from a Dark Wizard's head and run away laughing with your friends.
Dark Wizards are Dark for a reason. Most will have been bullied and made fun of at school. They will, more than likely, have had nick names like, Spotty spot spot, Fatty fat fat, or Greasy ass wipe. And in some instances all three. There will be a lot of built up rage lurking about and you and three friends having to share the same bottom for three months is not something I would recommend to anyone. Although it does bring you all a lot closer.
Never ask a Dark Wizard if he borrowed his dress from his aunt Deirdre.
For a start you'd be surprised just how many Dark Wizards actually have an Aunt Deirdre and they tend to be very protective of them. Most Dark wizards never got on with their parents and suffer from abandonment issues. Aunt Deirdre is probably the closest thing to a mother they have and after a hard week of death and destruction they still go around on Sunday's for a nice cup of tea a bit of cake. Oh and yes, they probably did borrow the dress from aunt Deirdre but not her best Sunday one of course.
Never walk up to a Dark Wizard (even if very drunk) and give him a big hug.
They tend to have personal space issues and will not appreciate it, no matter how many times you tell them you love them.
Never ask a Dark Wizard if you can date his daughter.
Although Dark wizards don't see their children very often and even then it's only ever to tighten the noose around their necks they can still be very funny about their daughters dating. As a side note I would have to say that considering the kind of women Dark Wizards tend to have children with you'd be best not dating their daughters anyway, (no matter how good looking they are). Inevitable tentacles appear when you are at your most venerable.
Never ask a Dark Wizard if you can borrow money from him.
They work very hard to gather there horde and then lock it up in a Dragon guarded maze of terror. And even if they say yes (unlikely) it's really not worth the bother of trying to collect it.
Never ask a Dark Wizard if you can see his Wizarding license.
Even if you have disguised yourself as a member of the Wizard licensing board they won't show it to you. Dark Wizards are by their very nature rebels and will balk at any interference by government in their dark ambitions. They have a tendency to a quick temper too.
Never poke a Dark Wizard with a pointy stick.
They won't like it.
And never, never, take a Dark Wizards wand!
Even if you escape with it a Dark Wizards wand won't like you and will quickly explore your inner most bodily cavities as a means to express its displeasure at your actions.

For more by Aaron Hanlon click here https://www.triond.com/users/Aaron+Hanlon